The Illusion of Friendship Built on Usefulness

(OPINION/Dr Koiti Emmily) – Not every connection formed on this app, or anywhere else, is built on goodwill. Some are formed quietly, deliberately, and entirely around usefulness. These are not friendships of the heart, but relationships of function.

In such dynamics, people are valued like tools, not for who they are, but for what they can provide. Before a connection is made, an unspoken assessment often takes place: Who do you know? What access do you offer? What doors can you open? Does being close to you improve my standing? Do you have resources, skills, or influence that can be used? Affection is secondary. Usefulness is the currency.

For those who think this way, the word “friend” simply marks a successful exchange. Friendship is not a bond; it is a transaction. You are “important” only as long as you are useful. Once your usefulness fades, when access closes, resources run out, or advantages are fully taken, the relationship does not slowly disappear. It ends suddenly. A tool that no longer serves a purpose is thrown away without feeling.

This pattern is often driven by entitlement and a lack of empathy. The world is seen as a zero-sum game: someone must always be using someone else. Mutual respect feels naïve. Relationships are not spaces for shared growth, but places for extraction. People are not companions; they are opportunities.

One may ask whether such individuals can keep long term friendships. In truth, genuine friendship is difficult for a purely strategic person to maintain. Real friendship needs vulnerability, patience, and sacrifice. These are investments with no guaranteed reward. To a utilitarian mind, they seem wasteful.

What such people often keep instead are long standing associations. These may look like loyalty, but they are better understood as alliances. Strategic individuals often stay connected to others who think the same way. They are joined by mutual benefit, not affection. As long as both sides remain useful or successful, the relationship continues. When one side declines, the link breaks without explanation. It was never a bond of the heart; it was a partnership of interests.

Because relationships are abandoned once fully used, such people often move quickly through social circles. They collect many “close friends” and call many people “my friend”, who later disappear quietly. In moments that need presence rather than performance, such as loss, illness, or private struggle, very few appear. There is no friend who stays simply because love requires it.

Sometimes, they keep one or two long term companions. These are often people who avoid conflict, feel guilty easily, or struggle to say no. They accept imbalance in return for closeness or a sense of importance. These relationships last, but they are not equal.

True friendship is revealed in moments of uselessness. A real friend remains when you are exhausted, unimpressive, and empty. They stay when status is lost, when resources are gone, and when nothing can be offered in return. They speak the truth even when it costs them personally. A strategic mindset finds this hard to sustain, because usefulness, not loyalty, is its measure of value.

The result is often a wide network with little depth: many contacts, but no one to call in the quiet hours of need.

If clarity is needed, one simple question can help:
“If my status, resources, or ability to help disappeared today, would this person still choose me tomorrow?”

In the silence of that question, the illusion becomes clear.

Happy Preparation Day.

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Dr Koiti Emmily is a physician, a Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) specialist, and a coach on the ICF-ACC pathway. She writes on health policy, governance, leadership, and peacebuilding. To join her growing community, follow her on  Facebook.

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